Its time to dream again...

I had my first surgery yesterday. 
It was an incredibly overwhelming experience. 

Ive been meditating on Psalm 139 lately, and just generally exploring the sovereignty of God. 
And the idea that every day has been foreordained before one came to pass. 
That God has complete knowledge of every event; past, presently unfolding, and those yet to come. 
So as I sat in the waiting room, I wondered; why this day?
Why did God choose this day to be apart of my story...

As the surgeon and assistant came in and numbed my side, preparing to remove a large portion of my skin.. I found myself overwhelmed by fear, anxiety, and anger.

I was angry because my body was defected, and I was suddenly aware of how truly fragile my body is. It was at risk for death (however unlikely that may be, it is still a risk involved), or serious pain if the disease unfolded, and I had NO control over the situation whatsoever. Its like my body has a mind of its own, choosing to do whatever it wants..
I was fearful of the potential pain. One, I didn't trust the anesthetics. She just shot me up and then she wanted to start cutting right away. AND to top it all off I was awake during the entire procedure...... 
And I was anxious for obvious reasons.

I put in my iPod and landed on some Hillsong.. the shuffle landed on You Hold Me Now...

and this is why this day was placed strategically in my story.

As I listened to the lyrics of the song, my mind wandered to eternity.
The entire song is written about longing for heaven.

The pain that I was feeling is not natural. My body is not created for pain, and with all of creation it groans to be redeemed, and transformed into a glorious form.
While laying on that surgical table I found myself engulfed in worship, longing deeply for my Savior to transform my body.
I found myself yearning for heaven
and in the midst of pain, fear, and discomfort I found myself COMFORTED in the hope of what is yet to come.

The reality is our pain drives us to praise God, draws us into Him. He is our refuge, our help in times of trouble, discomfort, uncertainty, and pain. The entire situation yesterday was a reminder to set my sights on heavenly things, and to keep myself from investing all of who I am on this earth.

"We cannot look fixedly on Christ & the world; the eye cannot look upwards & downwards at once in a direct line." -Issac Ambrose

Beautiful God
Laying Your majesty aside
You reached out in love to show me life
Lifted from darkness into light
Oh
King for a slave
Trading Your righteousness for shame
Despite all my pride and foolish ways
Caught in Your infinite embrace
Oh
And I find myself here on my knees again
Caught up in grace like an avalanche
Nothing compares to this love love love
Burning in my heart
Saviour and Friend
Breathing Your life into my heart
Your word is the lamp unto my path
Forever I’m humbled by Your love
Oh
Take my life
Take all that I am
With all that I am I will love You
Take my heart
Take all that I have
Jesus how I adore You
And I find myself here on my knees again
Caught up in grace like an avalanche
Nothing compare to this love love love

My Sun Stand Still prayer this week:

is for all the girls who are in extremely unhealthy relationships
Who have lost all sense of identity
self-worth
and respect for themselves
Who are so wrapped up in bondage
not only can they no longer see the light
but have forgotten that it exists all together
I PRAY: that Your TRUTH will break in with force, remind their broken hearts, of the unifying identity in the CROSS. The cross breaks all barriers and brings our existance MEANING. That they will look upon the cross and be changed, finding endless amounts of grace and acceptance. That they would see the COMFORT and the FREEDOM of the CROSS!


for every woman who has given herself away, emotionally, physically, and spiritually
to the lies
to the promises
hoping it would provide
but it hasnt
and shes lost, hurting, broken beyond what words can describe
and feels that she is too far in to ever turn back, that no one will ever love her again
deep down, she feels worthless
and unlovable
I PRAY: That YOUR LIGHT would break into their darkest night, and bring them: LOVE FREEDOM and JOY again. Break in with FORCE and overwhelm their hearts with your GRACE and ABUNDANT LOVE!!!!!!!!! Show them their worth again!! That they are bought with a price and nothing can separate or taint your love for them!!!


for every young girl caught in the cycle of abuse
she struggles to gain affirmation from her abuser
as she longs for love
any ounce of love
she is so ashamed of her scars
buried in shame she keeps her pain a secret and paints a smile on her face
exasperated, she numbs herself through her living hell
I PRAY: FOR PROTECTION !!!! Binding the enemy who seeks to kill, steal, and destroy these women!!!!! Lord send them HELP! To break out of this abusive situation!! Remind them of their WORTH and their PURPOSE!!!!!! Reveal the dangerous situation they are in to others around them!!! That they can find help!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.sunstandstill.org/prayers/

I love working.

It is the only place in the world I have a chance, and the excuse, to interact with the world. I get paid to interact with an unpredictable variety of people.
some are regulars, who order the same items, sit in the same seats, wear the same clothes, and make the same small talk.

Some situations are extraordinary, where small talk, leads to big talk, and were having a discussion about our mutual love for Christ.
For these reasons, and all the ones that fall in between.

I love working.


Yesterday while I was working a mother and her young son, probably about 4 years old walk up to my register. I greet them with my usual overly enthusiastic welcome.

The son is chattering away about sprinkles, "I want one with sprinkles!! sprinkles"
The mother turns to me, after scanning the bagel wall, "do you have any bagels with sprinkles?"
"No, sorry.."
"I figured.." she says as we both walk down towards the bagel wall, she picks her son up so he can get a better view of the choices.

She asks me which bagels are sweet, and I tell her the options, but the son eyes the whole grain bagel, which is decorated with small white oats, which, to a four year old, resemble sprinkles.To everyone else, we know this is the exact opposite.

"I want that one!!!!!" He points to the whole grain, excitedly. "That one mommy! I know i want it"

she explains to him that he doesnt want that one, it isnt what he thinks it is. Its not sweet, those are not sprinkles.
the boy cries and continues to demand the bagel, he has made up his mind, and strongly believes this is the best choice.
however the mother chooses to purchase a cinnamon crunch for her son. the boy throws a temper tantrum.. still insisting on the bagel with "sprinkles"

I wonder how many times we do this to God.. demanding and pleading with Him
Begging Him to give us what we want
What we think is good, but in reality, HE KNOWS, is not what is best for us.

We beg God for relationships we think are beneficial and will provide the most satisfaction and joy, but in turn hurt us the most, and lead us down a path of sin and bondage.
We plead for a career that will provide comfort and will sustain our lives, but will lead us only to be self-sufficient, and consumed with an insatiable love for money that invades every area of our life. Overriding the importance of everything else.
We lay our plans, our thoughts at His feet, and pray that He bless them, and work them out peaceably.. when from His perspective, none of these things are healthy, or good.

But how many times are we like this young boy, whose perception and understanding of a bagel were limited by his experiences.
He was young
and inexperienced

We are young
and certainly inexperienced

His perspective was skewed by his age

when his mother withheld, what in his eyes was a good thing, he got mad, and sad.
however, the mother knew that this is what was best, the boy wouldn't be satisfied in the end with that bagel, it wouldn't bring him joy or peace or contentment in anyway
the boys desires were valid, however his choice was wrong.
there was something better, and because she was more knowledgeable, she had to make that decision for her child regardless of his feelings


can you imagine the joy the boy experienced after biting into that bagel, realizing this is exactly what he wanted.
his anger and sadness cease
and he develops a deeper trust in his mothers judgment.

his experience was fully satisfying, not a hint of dissppointment

What are the things we want most?
How does this apply to those situations?
Do we trust God's plan and Sovereignty vs. our limited knowledge, experience, and vantage point?
When God withholds something, how do you respond? In trust or in anger?

Do we understand and believe that He does not withhold one good thing from us, but makes all things work for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purposes.

He is Holy, and His ways and thoughts are higher.

If God has removed something from your life, or is withholding something that seems, 'good' from you. Consider this: what seems confusing or difficult, makes sense to Him; our why's? ("why mom wont you let me have that bagel that I want and think is good for me...?") are accounted for, and make sense to Him-- as He is all- knowing, loving and good in everything!!! Can you trust this truth? and rest knowing you are taken care of, even if it doesnt make logical sense to you. even if all the pieces arent fitting perfectly together right away.

that young boy was probably mad at his mother for five minutes after they sat down. Im sure he refused to take a bite, his mind still set on the other bagel.
how many times do we do this?
dwell in anger, or depression, instead of being open-handed and trusting God's guidance and the truth that HE MAKES BETTER DECISIONS THAN WE DO!!!!

So as you evaluate your desires, aspirations and plans, be fully content in every situation, knowing that even if the details don't make sense, God is far more experienced, perfect in wisdom, and perfectly Sovereign.  God too, has to act in certain situations the way the mother did towards the son, removing or withholding a bad thing/decision from us because they foresee/KNOW the end result.

He is Good
He is Perfect
He is your Loving Father
Trust Him.

rest.

Mmm, just the word alone puts my soul at ease. 

rest.

i think of a secret field, soft grass beneath my head, a warm sweater, a cool breeze and the sun blazing down, casting shadows on my face through the red and orange leaves.

a silent mind

a still heart.

Often times we lack true rest. We are told by our culture that in order to accomplish anything we must work, and work hard. We must dedicate ourselves to productivity, with quantifiable, documented results.

 

And often times our utter exhaustion testifies to this reality.

Were tired.

Were weary.

Were worn out.

And what do we have left to give?

 

Rest.

It is spoken of in scripture over and over again.

 

When we find ourselves desperately trying to accomplish much on our own, we find ourselves feeling insufficient and overwhelmed. However, when we stop to recognize the truth that the needs of our body and soul have their dependence in Christ, the vine, not yourself. You are a branch that is connected to the vine (john 15:5). the branch, is at rest, connected to and supported by the vine. When connected to the root, you receive nourishment and bear fruit in time.

 

Rest calls us out of our frenzied lives, of trying, striving, and working, and into acknowledgment that our existence does not depend on us. We do not sustain or maintain our heart beat, nor can we promise the next breath to fill our lungs.

Rest allows God to be our provider. Rest throws faith on God. rest acknowledges that God is in control.

 

Rest is not relaxing or rejuvenating.

But rather it is to stop exerting, or striving and rest in this hope, this assured faith of who God is.

He is your provider. And your sustainer.

/Spiritual immaturity considers Jesus to be a helper. Maturity knows him to be life itself/-angela blycker ”

As you seek out rest, remember rest is more than spending countless hours on facebook, or watching as many movies as possible. Rest is finding yourself assured and confident in who God is and what He has done for you. Rest in Him.

Your eyes
are full of life.

Full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way
It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
do our hearts know something we dont? 
conspiring, converging
without giving us any say

You sing me to sleep
talk down my walls
look through my windows
As I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

Youre ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks
with sonnets from secondhand books
playing the chords in me nobody knew how to play

You sing me to sleep
talk down my walls
look through my windows
As I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

It fits in your hand like the water in rain
it unlocks our two different selves and shows we are the same
rather than wait til i put me out for the taking
youre breaking, youre breaking into my heart
and Im letting you

Your eyes are full
Full of the future of us

Sun stand still.
What happens when we start praying for the impossible? 

Steven Furtick has started an incredible ministry, or rather, God through him.. calling us to embraces the dreams God has placed inside of us, and pray audicious prayers and live out an audacious faith
I stumbled upon the kick off last night where he preached for 24 hours!!! Today I started sifting through the prayers, the sun stand still, impossible prayers and this broke my heart:

My prayer is for my future wife. That God would continue to bless her, guard her and prepare her, as he is doing with me. I long to grow into and become the husband and father he created me to be. One that will lead her and always pursue her passionately - ab

this is the cry of my heart, for my husband! and how encouraging is it to know that my future husband is praying the same prayers about me.

I recently decided to stop hiding that part of my heart from God, but rather embracing that it truly is a desire of my heart to have a husband. So here is my sun stand still prayer:


I pray for my future  husband. I ask that you are protecting him, shaping him, working in him, and leading him to me. I pray for our ministry together, that the cry of our hearts would only ever be to serve You and love You and make your name known on this earth! I pray that our hearts would break together for the things that break yours and He and I would be able to discern Your specific call on our lives. I pray that we would serve as missionaries together. Whether in another country or in our neighborhood, we would partner with you on mission. I pray for our children, that they would come to know that you are all that matters in this life, that they would develop an intimate relationship with you. Protect their purity. Shape me Lord into the woman you have called me to be. The desire of my heart is to be the wife, mother, and Christ follower you have called me to be, and I know I can only do this with your strength and your grace and your loving Holy Spirit. Thank you Lord in advance for the grace you will pour out on our relationship, Thank you for him God, I thank you for your faithfulness. I love you Jesus, and husband I love you, and I am so thankful for you. I will wait for you, I will wait on the Lord.

Is get a good night's sleep

I need one of those
I go to bed every night expecting
striving
longing
I want to go to bed tired
and wake feeling full with rest

my insides are all worked up
worked up over you
but why?

what is the stress?
why worry?

Why O Lord, does my flesh drive me one way?
Yet my mind tell me one other thing

My heart and flesh mail fail
but the Lord is the strength of my heart and my portion forever! 

It
doesnt
matter

I
have
Christ

Emotions
I cannot trust you
you lead me down a path of winding roads
weathered by the scars of tears
and frustrations of the past

But i chose to walk a different path
and that is the path
of
truth
and righteousness

Oh God
You are my God
and I will ever praise You